I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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