i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
