If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I have feelings that need drinking.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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