what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
