I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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