he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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