If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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