It's Friday. Sex?
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Randomize
