and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
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