Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
