i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
