Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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