mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
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