Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
