nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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