At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I am naked and annoyed.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
