If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
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