My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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