I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Randomize
