your parents love me but you hate me
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Randomize
