I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Randomize
