i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
i just sent this text using only my big toe
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
