Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
