I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Randomize
