I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
it's like heaven, but drunker
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
