I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
