in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
