apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
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