why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
