Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize