Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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