I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
being pregnant is like rehab
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Randomize
