so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I need to calm my uterus...
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
