my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
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