you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
