I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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