We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
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