I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
