New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
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