By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
