someone threw a dead crab at me
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
