i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
