I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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