I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I lost the right to judge tonight
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Randomize
