She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
