Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Do you remember whose house we're in?
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
