Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Randomize
