she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
