Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
