you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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