I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
