I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
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looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
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Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize