Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
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