Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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