the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
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