Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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