I'm gonna have a badass scar
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
