dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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