this beer tastes like vomit already
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
